When I was eleven years old, my parents took me to the beach on Australia's Gold Coast. My mum and dad walked down the coast a bit, and I was just chillin' in the sand near the edge of the water, watching the waves and basking in the breeze. I covered up with an oversize T-shirt so I wouldn't get sunburned.
A young woman came walking along the beach, and as she approached, she smiled and said, "That's quite impressive!"
"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing that she wasn't referring to my huge biceps.
"How long did it take you to bury your legs like that?" she said.
I realized that she thought I'd hidden my legs in the sand somehow. Feeling mischievous, I played along.
"Oh, I had to dig such a long time," I said.
She laughed and strolled by, but I knew she could not resist a second look so I waited. Sure enough, just as her head swiveled for a parting glance, I popped up and hopped toward the water.
She didn't say anything, though she stumbled a bit as she scurried down the beach.
Sometimes as a boy I resented such moments, but eventually I came to be more patient and understanding of others. Like that woman, I've learned that sometimes there is more to people than you first suspect, and sometimes there is less.
The art of reading people, relating to them, engaging with them, and stepping into their shoes, knowing whom to trust and how to be trustworthy is critical to your success and happiness. Few people succeed without the ability to build relationships based on mutual understanding and trust. We all need not just someone to love but also friends, mentors, role models, and supporters who buy into our dreams and help us achieve them.
To build your Dream Team of supporters who have your best interests at heart, you must first prove yourself trustworthy by standing up for them. Your mates will treat you the way you treat them. If you invest in their success, support them, encourage them, and give them your honest feedback, you can expect them to do the same for you. If they don't, you should move on and find someone who wants to be on your team.
We are social by nature, but if your relationships aren't what you'd like them to be, you may not be giving enough thought to how you interact with others and what you put in and take out of your relationships. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and win friends only by telling them about yourself: your fears, frustrations, and pleasures. The truth is that you win friends by learning about them and finding shared interests to build bonds that provide mutual benefi ts.
Building a relationship is like building a savings account; you can't expect to take anything out of it if you haven't put something into it. We all need to tune up our relationship skills from time to time by evaluating our approach to them and looking at what is working and what is not.
HOW DO YOU RELATE TO OTHERS?
A strong sense of purpose, high hopes, abiding faith, self-love, a positive attitude, fearlessness, resilience, and mastery of change will take you a long way, but no one makes it alone. To be sure, I value my ability to take care of myself. I worked hard to become as independent as possible. But I am still dependent on the people around me, just as we all are to a great degree.
Often I am asked, "Isn't it hard to rely so much on others?" And my response is, "You tell me." Whether you acknowledge it or not, you depend on those around you nearly as much as I do. Some tasks I need help managing, but no one on this earth succeeds without benefiting from the wisdom, the kindness, or the helping hands of someone else.
We all need supportive relationships. We all must engage with kindred spirits. To do that effectively, we must build trust and prove ourselves trustworthy. We must understand that most people instinctively act out of self-interest, but if you show them that you are interested in them and invested in their success, most will do the same for you.
MAKING CONNECTIONS
When I was a boy, my mum often took me shopping or to other public places, and while she went about her business, I'd spend hours observing faces in the crowd from my wheelchair. I'd study them as they passed by and try to guess what they did for a living and what their personalities were like. Of course, I never knew whether my instant profiles were correct, but I did become a serious student of body language, facial expressions, and reading people in general.
This was mostly a subconscious process, but when I look back and reflect, I realize I was instinctively developing some very important skills. Since I lack the arms to defend myself, or the legs to run, it was important for me to quickly assess whether I could trust someone or not. It's not that I consciously worried about being attacked, but I was more vulnerable than most, and so I became more "people aware" than most.I'm sensitive to the moods, emotions, and sounds of those around me. This may sound a little strange, but my antennae are so finely tuned that when someone puts a hand on my wheelchair armrest, it's almost like we are holding hands. I get this weird feeling that a physical connection has been made, just as if we were shaking or holding hands. Whenever my friends or family members put their hands on my chair, I feel this warmth and acceptance.
My lack of limbs has affected the way I relate to people as a professional speaker. I don't have to worry about one of the primary concerns of most speakers—what to do with my hands. I've worked on communicating with my facial expressions, and especially my eyes, rather than my hands. I can't make gestures to emphasize points or convey emotion. I worked at varying the width of my eyes and changing my facial expressions to convey emotions, and to hold the attention of my audiences.
My sister recently teased me: "Nick, you really do love eye contact. When you speak to someone, you look into their eyes with this intensity. That's the only way I can describe it."
Michelle knows me well. I look into the eyes of other people because they are windows to the soul. I love eye contact. I admire the beauty of people, and I find it, often, in their eyes. We can all find something bad or imperfect in others, but I choose to look at the gold within them.
"It's also your way of keeping the conversation real and sincere," my little sister said. "I can see it when you talk to my friends. You get straight to the core of the person, and you capture their attention so that they soak up every word you tell them."
I've learned to engage quickly by looking into the eyes of the people I meet and asking questions or making comments to find a common ground. Before back pains limited my huggability, one of my favorite ice breakers was to say, "Come and give me a hug."
By inviting people to come close and make contact, I hoped to make them feel comfortable with me. Reaching out to others, bonding with them, finding a common ground are relationship skills that everyone should master. They determine how well we interact with those around us.
SKILL SETS
"People skills" is a widely used term but is rarely well defined. We all like to think we have great people skills, just like most of us are under the illusion that we are great drivers. My brother teases that I'm the world's worst backseat driver even though I've never had a legal driver's license. According to him, my people skills are a work in progress. Yours should be a work in progress too.
No one should take for granted skills that are critical to success and happiness. You can live a life without limits, but you can't live a life without trusting relationships. That is why you should always self-monitor, assess, and work to develop and refine the ways in which you engage with those around you. Psychologists say that our ability to build bonds of trust and mutually supportive relationships depends on a few primary people skills. These include the ability to:
● Read emotions and moods
● Listen attentively to what others say and how they say it
● Assess, comprehend, and react to nonverbal signals from others
● Navigate any social setting or gathering
● Bond quickly with others
● Turn on the charm in any situation
● Practice tact and self-control
● Demonstrate care for others with actions
Now let's look at each of those basic people skills in more detail.
Taking a Read
Reading body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and the look in someone's eyes is a skill we all have to some degree. We really can't help but pick up these signals. Most people can even tell when someone is pretending to be angry but isn't, or is faking pain just for attention. Psychologists say this skill improves as we age, and women are generally better at it than men. I wasn't surprised to learn that women with children are especially good at it. My mum could read me like a book. She often seemed to know before I did when I felt sick, hurt, frustrated, or sad.
Listening to Understand
This is what your parents were talking about when they said "God gave you just one mouth but He gave you two ears, so you should listen twice as much as you speak." Too often we don't listen to understand. Instead, we listen just enough so we can respond. To really connect, you have to take into account the feeling behind the words, not just the words themselves. I'm no relationship expert, but I've seen my fellow men struggle with this. Women are known to be more intuitive and can become frustrated with men, who tend to be more literal. They tune in to the words rather than the emotions.
Get It and Go with It
It's one thing to listen and observe carefully, but it's even more important to take what you hear and observe, accurately assess it, and then act upon it. The people who do this well tend to have the best relationships and to be high achievers in their work. It can also be an important survival skill. The New York Times reported a story about two American soldiers on patrol in Iraq who saw a parked car with two young boys inside. The windows were rolled up even though it was 120 degrees outside. One of the soldiers asked the other, his patrol sergeant, if he could offer the boys some water and took steps toward the car.
The sergeant looked at the entire scene around them and sensed danger. He ordered the patrol to fall back. Just as his soldier turned around, a bomb exploded inside the car. The two boys were killed. The soldier who wanted to help them was hit by shrapnel but survived.
Later the sergeant would recall that when he saw his soldier move toward the car, "My body got cooler; you know that danger feeling." Other subtle clues had tweaked his antennae earlier. No shots had been fired at them that morning, which was unusual, and overall the streets had been quieter than they were on a typical day.
Studies of veteran soldiers have shown how they rely on their ability to quickly read and interpret their surroundings based on sensations, body language, or anomalies that "just don't fi t." This is critical not just for relationships but for survival, for them and for us.
Work the Room
Knowing how to act appropriately and fit in—whether at a church social, a private country club, an employee picnic, or a simple dinner—is another important people skill. You have to respect where you are. When visiting foreign lands, I often ask my host or interpreter to help me understand local customs and traditions so that I don't make a mistake that alienates my audience.
There are certain actions you do while dining at home that you should never do during meals in certain countries. In most places belching is considered the height of rudeness, but in some places a good raucous burp is considered a compliment to the chef. On a more serious note, there are topics you should avoid in certain settings. Mentioning old conflicts, politics, and in some cases, even religion can only lead to trouble.
But you can always find common ground for engaging with others. As I've matured, I've learned that listening is the most valuable skill for engaging others, especially when you are "working the room" in a large crowd.
Bond Ability
We bond with others not just through words but through our expressions and body language, which includes how we position ourselves in relation to others. We often aren't aware of our positioning until someone who is spatially impaired invades our personal space. Close talkers, for example, may be trying to bond, but they tend to send people fleeing. It's a difficult line to judge, because we welcome some people into our personal space more than others. A friend once shot me a look of utter panic at a party because he'd been backed into a corner by four people vying for his attention. They towered over him, and he looked a bit like a fox cornered by the hounds.
Charisma Campaign
I don't have a problem capturing anyone's attention, but holding on to it is another challenge altogether. When I meet people, they are intrigued by my body but not always comfortable looking at it. I have just a few seconds to overcome that by turning on the charm. With kids and teens especially, I'll make jokes about "lending a hand" or something costing me "an arm and a leg," so they can see that I've heard all the comments and that I can laugh along with them. I think the real secret to charisma is making each person you meet feel that they have your complete attention when they speak to you.
Tactical Unit
We all tend to think we are tactful and thoughtful of other people, but I know I sometimes fall short. My brother loves to remind me that I bossed him around when we were younger. Aaron had to put up with a lot. Even when my parents were both home, he served as my caregiver because we were always together. He'll tell you that I could get a little crazy with my demands. One morning, for example, his friend Phil visited us. He walked into the kitchen at breakfast time, so I asked Aaron and Phil if they wanted some bacon and eggs.
"Sure, thanks, Nick!" Phil said.
I set about fixing him bacon and eggs. I did this by yelling, "Okay, Aaron, can you get me some eggs, and I also need you to fetch the pan. Oh, and put the pan on the stove. Crack the eggs in the pan, and I'll take over once they're cooked."
As Aaron got older and bigger, he found a way to deal with my bossy ways. Whenever he decided that I was being too demanding, he'd threaten to put me in a cabinet drawer, shut it, and leave me there. So I had to develop tactful people skills, or I would have been filed away forever!
Walk the Talk
We've all heard of those who "talk the talk but don't walk the walk." You can be a great listener, a highly empathetic, engaging, charming, and tactful person, but if you don't step up and reach out to other people when the situation requires it, then all your other skills are meaningless. Just saying "I feel for you" doesn't cover it. Your actions speak louder than your words.
In your work relationships, this means not only doing your job and striving to be successful but helping others do their jobs and supporting them in their efforts to succeed.
TUNING IN
To master these people skills, you must place your own self-interests, concerns, and agendas on hold and dial in to those around you. It's not about being the center of attention or the funniest person in the room; it's about engaging with other people on their terms and making them comfortable enough to invite you into their lives.
The depth of our relationships varies from those we engage with briefly (store clerks, waitresses, the mailman, the guy next to you on the plane) to those we interact with regularly (neighbors, coworkers, customers, and clients), and finally to people who are a big part of our lives (our best friends, spouses, and family members). Each level requires people skills of some sort, the ability to relate to and interact in harmony with others.
Helping Hands
There is one more people skill that is often disdained or overlooked, but one I'm quite familiar with: the willingness and the humility to ask for help when you need it. Jesus, the son of God, rarely walked alone on this earth. He was usually in the company of one or more of his disciples. You should never feel that you have to go it alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. The Bible says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door shall be opened."
A few years ago my heavy travel schedule led me to decide to return to using caregivers, which is something I tried to avoid for a long time. When I was younger, I wanted to prove that I could survive day by day without depending on other people. Being independent was important to me. I needed to know, for my own peace of mind and my self-esteem, that I could live on my own if necessary.
But as my public speaking career took off and invitations to speak came from all over the globe, I realized that I was burning up too much energy taking care of myself, especially on the road. To speak to as many people in as many different places as I do, you have to be fully engaged and full of energy. I went back to employing caregivers even though someday, down the road, I hope to have a wife and family and again be independent.
When you have a caregiver, lacking people skills is not an option. Even if their pay is good, you can't expect someone to feed you, travel with you, shave you, dress you, and sometimes carry you around if they don't like you. Luckily, I've always had good relationships with mine—though they've sometimes been put to the test. I did not have a full-time caregiver until 2005, when Craig Blackburn, who'd been inspired by my speaking and testimony in church, contacted me. He offered to work as my caregiver, driver, and coordinator for a three-week speaking tour along the sunny Queensland coast. I was a little nervous about doing the tour with someone I didn't know well, but I prayed on it, checked his credentials, and decided I could trust him. Craig proved to be very helpful, allowing me to save my energies for my speaking and other duties.
In my determined effort to prove my independence while also building a career that required intense travel, I'd been too proud to ask for help, even when it made sense to do so. You shouldn't make the same mistake. Know your limitations. Protect your health and sanity by doing what is only human: reaching out when conditions call for it. But remember, to ask something of friends or co-workers is rude unless you've shown interest and consideration for them. No one owes you anything more than you have given to them.
A few of my caregivers have been friends, family members, and volunteers over the years, but most are paid to assist me because the job is demanding, given my hectic schedule. I began using caregivers more and more while traveling in the United States in 2006. A fellow named George had volunteered to serve as my driver and caregiver on that tour, but he showed up driving a wreck of a little car that was loud and stinky and, to my astonishment, had a gaping hole in the floor! It was a bit of a shock. I had visions of falling through and being flattened by a trailing truck. I never felt entirely safe in that car, but George proved to be a loyal supporter and a great caregiver.
One of my current caregivers, Bryan, was put to the ultimate test during my European speaking tour in the summer of 2008. We'd been traveling nonstop for about a week when we arrived for a one-night stay at a hotel in Timisoara, Romania, a beautiful city known as "Little Vienna," in the Transylvanian Alps. I'd always heard that this was a spooky corner of the planet, and my suspicions were confirmed.
Dead tired from lack of sleep, I was too weary to fret. This was the first night on the long tour where I was scheduled to catch some serious rest. Since I'd been having trouble sleeping, Bryan offered me a melatonin capsule, which is supposed to help your body deal with jet lag.
At first, I told him I'd better not take it. Because of my low body weight, I sometimes have strange reactions to supplements. Bryan convinced me it was safe, and just to be cautious, I took only a half-dose. Luckily I didn't swallow the entire capsule. I fell into a deep sleep right away.
On some tours I become overtired, and despite the tremendous effort it takes for me to sit up in bed, I'll do just that in my sleep, and then I'll begin speaking as if I'm addressing an audience. On this night I woke up Bryan in the next room because I was preaching! In Serbian!
Bryan woke me up before I roused all of Romania with my sleep-sermonizing, and we both realized then that we were sweating like crazy. We'd been cooking in the summer heat because while we slept, the room air conditioner had shut down. Naturally, we opened the windows to allow some fresh air to flow into our rooms. Then, bone-tired, we returned to our beds.
An hour later we again were awakened; this time we were being eaten alive by huge Transylvanian mosquitoes. (At least we hoped they were mosquitoes!) At that point I was dead tired, overheated, itching all over my body, and—a special bonus—lacking the usual scratching tools. It was torture!
At Bryan's suggestion, I took a shower to relieve the itching. Then he sprayed my swollen bug bites with an anti-itching first aid remedy. I returned to my bed, but ten minutes later I was hollering for Bryan again. My poor body was on fire! I'd had an allergic reaction to the anti-itching spray.
He scrambled to haul me into the shower again, and in the process he slipped, fell, and banged his head on the toilet, nearly knocking himself out! Exhausted, we just wanted to sleep, but our night of horrors was not yet over. With the air conditioner out, the room was just too hot. By this time I wasn't thinking like a sane person, so I told Bryan to lend me a pillow.
"The air conditioner is working in the hallway, so I'm sleeping out there," I told my baffled caregiver.
Bryan didn't have the strength to argue with me. He collapsed on his bed, and I crashed just outside the room, leaving the door open so he could hear me if I needed help. We snoozed like that for an hour or two before a total stranger stepped over me, marched into the room, and berated poor Bryan in broken English.
He ranted on for several minutes before we figured out that our intruder was furious because he thought Bryan had thrown me out in the hallway to sleep on the floor! We had a tough time convincing this would-be Good Samaritan that I was sleeping in the corridor by choice.
Once the stranger left, I crawled back into my bed. Bryan returned to his. But just as we finally drifted off to sleep, Bryan's cell phone rang. When he answered, a verbal blast pounded his ear. It was the coordinator of our speaking tour. Evidently our well-meaning intruder had not been convinced. He'd reported to hotel security that I'd been left in the hallway all night, and they'd raised heck with our coordinator, who was threatening to have poor Bryan tarred and feathered.
Now you can see why I normally employ three caregivers who rotate on shifts seven days a week. Bryan and I can laugh about our nightmarish night in Transylvania now, but it took several nights of sleeping in cool rooms, without bugs, to get over it.
One of the lessons I had to learn early in life was that it's okay to ask for help. Whether you've got all the standard body parts or not, there will be times when you simply can't go it alone. Yes, humility is a people skill and a God-given gift.
You have to be humble to ask others for help, whether it's a caregiver, a mentor, a role model, or a family member. When someone is humble enough to reach out for assistance, most people respond by giving of themselves and their time. If you act as though you have all the answers and don't need anyone else, you are less likely to attract support.
PANTLESS AND SPEECHLESS
As a child I was taught that all honor goes to God, and as a man I've come to realize that whatever good I accomplish is done not by me but through me. It seems God believes I need a lesson in humility now and then so that I never lose my ability to engage and bond with others. Sometimes those lessons are hard. Sometimes they are hilarious.
I was still living in Australia in 2002 when my cousin Nathan Poljak accompanied me to the United States to speak at a church camp. We arrived the night before the engagement and were seriously jet-lagged by the long flight. We overslept.
I was scheduled to rise early to teach a Bible class, but no one had the heart to wake me. I rose from my coma just about fifteen minutes before the class was to start. We were staying nearby, so I thought we could still make it. We rushed to the camp, but when we arrived, I realized I had to use the restroom. Now, believe it or not, that's something I can usually do on my own. I will never give away my secret techniques, but replacing zippers with Velcro proved to be a big help. Nathan offered to assist me because we were in such a hurry. He carried me into a public restroom stall and set me up to do my business.
Once I'd finished, Nathan came in to help me close up shop, and as we were completing the process, he dropped my shorts into the toilet bowl! We froze in horror with our mouths gaping as my dignity disappeared in a slow-motion whirlpool. There I stood, pant-less and overdue for my Bible school lecture. I stared in horror at my cousin. He mirrored my shock. And then we both set to laughing like two loons of the loo. We couldn't even fish my pants out because we were yucking it up so wildly, and our ineptitude made us even sillier with glee. Nathan has the most infectious laugh, and when he starts in, I can't help myself. I'm sure people standing outside the restroom wondered what was so hilarious in stall number three.
My cousins and brother and sister helped me learn to laugh when I find myself in ridiculous situations, and this was certainly one of them. They've also taught me to lean on those willing to help and to ask for assistance when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I encourage you to do the same.
THE HAND-OFF
My caregivers have been terrific over the years, and I'm fortunate to have them stay in my life as friends after they've moved on to new work. Nearly all actually start out as friends or people I've met while speaking, then come to work with me. There is always a break-in period, of sorts, and often it's quite amusing.
People who've been with me awhile often say they quickly forget about my missing parts and my disability becomes irrelevant. That's great, all well and good, except when the person happens to be my caregiver. I can't tell you how many times I've asked a rookie caregiver to give me a drink of water and he'll try to hand me a glass. There is always this moment of pause with his hand extended, holding the glass in the air and waiting for me to take it. Then there follows a sudden rush of blood from the face of the caregiver as he realizes, Oh my God! I just tried to hand a glass of water to a guy with no arms! What was I thinking?
"It's okay," I tell them. "I'm used to it."
Chances are you don't need a trained person to be there for you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. But we all need care-givers of some sort, someone to share ideas with, someone who will always give us honest advice, or someone who serves as an encourager, mentor, or role model.
It takes humility and courage to admit that you don't know everything or that you could use a hand. I mentioned earlier that when you have a sense of purpose and have committed to pursuing your dreams, you will always have a few detractors. Fortunately others will also appear—sometimes where you least expect it—to give you a boost, or to offer guidance. You should be ready for them because bonding with them can change your life.
There are three types of guides whose relationships have impacted my life: Mentors, Role Models, and Fellow Travelers.
Mentors are people who've been where you want to go, but they are also supporters and encouragers who share your dreams and truly want you to succeed. Your parents are natural mentors, but if you are lucky you will find others willing to step up in that role throughout your life. One of my earliest was my mother's brother, my uncle Sam Radojevic, who still lives in Australia with his great wife and wonderful children. He has the heart of an entrepreneur, the ingenuity of an inventor, and the vision of an explorer. Uncle Sam is always open to new experiences, and when I was young he encouraged me to take wing. He told me that the only true obstacles in life are those we make for ourselves. His guidance and support gave me the courage to expand my vision.
I've known many people who carry the burden of regret throughout their lives, but Uncle Sam has never been one to look back. Even when he makes mistakes, he always pushes forward to the next opportunity with the irrepressible spirit of a child in love with life.
He loves to design and build motorcycles and bicycles, but he doesn't just do it for himself. He helped the government of Victoria start a program in which prisoners repair and restore old bicycles for disadvantaged children and adults who couldn't otherwise afford a bicycle. Thousands of bikes have gone out to the needy because of that program.
Uncle Sam encourages me to likewise keep looking ahead, and he has always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I was thirteen when he told me, "Nicholas, you will shake the hands of presidents, kings, and queens someday." He believed even then that God had a big plan for me. What a great person to have as a mentor!
I encourage you to reach out for your own mentors. But understand that true mentors aren't just cheerleaders—they will tell you when they think you are wandering off course. You have to be willing to listen to their criticisms as well as their praise, knowing that they have your best interests at heart.
I also looked up to my cousin Duncan Jurisic. When I was a child, I'd often be afraid to inconvenience someone to take me to the loo, so he helped me come up with a line to remember. He said, "When you need to go, just let someone know." Not only did he and my other Vujicic cousins continue to love and support me, but Duncan and his mother, Danilka, helped me overcome my fears in the early days of my speaking career. Their family, who ran the Australian Hospitality Group in Melbourne, offered me their wise and valuable guidance.
Role Models have been where you want to go, but they aren't usually as close to you as mentors. Usually you watch them from afar, study their moves, read their books, and follow their careers as models for your own. Often these are celebrated figures in your field, people whose success has made them famous and respected. One of my long-term role models whom I've always wanted to meet is the Reverend Billy Graham. He has lived the words from Mark 16:15 that also are my inspiration: "Go into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature."
There has to be a place somewhere between mentors and role models for folks like Vic and Elsie Schlatter, whom I've visited at least once a year nearly every year of my life. They always inspire me to be a better Christian and a better person. They live in Australia, but they have planted more than sixty-five churches and missions in far-flung corners of the South Pacific. They are my models for making a difference as missionaries. They work quietly, without a lot of publicity, and they never puff themselves up, but they've made a world of difference for many, many souls.
As a teen Elsie had a vision of Jesus standing before her instructing her to "go." Elsie took that to mean that God wanted her to do missionary work one day. Vic worked for General Electric at a nuclear plant after they got married, but he and Elsie also started a church and began planning their first mission—to Papua New Guinea, a small tribal nation in the South Pacific that had very little exposure to Christianity. Small though the nation was, its three million people were dauntingly perse, speaking more than seven hundred dialects.
Vic and Elsie fell in love with that part of the world, and they now live on the north coast of Australia. From that base they conduct mission work around the South Pacific. In addition to writing several books of his own on religion, Vic has translated the Scriptures into pidgeon English and other dialects for the indigenous tribes he and Elsie serve.
Identifying a Fellow Traveler is a bit tough for me because my life has followed a rather unconventional path. Fellow travelers are usually peers, co-workers, and others with similar goals to yours, who are walking on a parallel road. They might even be rivals, but friendly rivals. You encourage and support each other by practicing an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity mentality.
When you believe in abundance, you believe there are enough of God's blessings—enough fulfillment, enough opportunity, enough happiness, and enough love—out there for everyone. I encourage you to take that point of view because it opens you up to other people. If you tend to think of the world as a place of scarce resources and limited opportunities, then you'll see fellow travelers as threats who'll take what is out there and leave nothing for you. Competition can be healthy because it motivates you, and you will always find others who want what you want. With an abundance mentality, you believe there are rewards enough for everyone, so competition is more about striving to do your best and encouraging others to do the same.
An abundance mentality allows you to walk alongside your fellow travelers with feelings of camaraderie and mutual support. I learned that in my friendship with Joni Eareckson Tada, who has traveled a similar path to mine. As I described earlier, Joni was a role model for me long before I knew her; she became a mentor, helping me get established in the United States; and now she is a fellow traveler, offering wise counsel and a sympathetic ear.
Another person who has been there for me in all sorts of ways is Jackie Davison, who lived around the corner from my family when I was a teenager. She was married with young children, but Jackie always found time to listen to me as I spilled my guts about whatever was on my mind, good or bad. She was close enough in age that she was more of a wise friend than a judgmental adult. I have such love for her family, and I became an unofficial big brother to her kids, helping them with their homework or just hanging out.
Back in 2002 I was having a rough time in my university studies and in my personal life, and it was distracting and disorienting. I'd broken up with a longtime girlfriend and was very emotional. So I went to Jackie and asked her to help me understand what had happened. I poured out my heart, but she sat there with her hands clasped, patiently listening without responding. Suddenly it hit me that as I was unloading all this emotional baggage on her, she wasn't reacting. Finally I stopped and said, "What should I do? Tell me!" She smiled and her eyes sparkled as she said simply, "Praise God."
Confused and frustrated, I said, "Praise God for what?"
"Just praise God, Nick."
I stared at the fl oor thinking, That's all she has to say? This woman is something else!
Then it hit me that Jackie was telling me to trust in God and that He hadn't forgotten me. She was telling me that I should put faith not in the wisdom of man but in the power of God. She was telling me to surrender to God and to thank Him, even though I didn't feel He deserved thanks. She was telling me to thank God in advance for blessings that would come of this pain. She has a powerful faith, and she always reminds me, when I feel confused or hurt, to surrender to God, because He has a plan for us all.
LIFE GUIDES
These "life guide" relationships are not always easy going. Your "guides" will give you a reality check or even a kick in the pants. But they care enough to make you really think about what you are doing, where you are going, why you are in the game, and what comes next. You want people like that in your life.
When I decided to become a public speaker and to encourage others to have faith, I shared the decision with my closest friends and family. Some were concerned, including my parents. The Apostolic Christian Church that I belong to has dispatched many missionaries over the years. They've built orphanages and helped many in need. When I told my parents that I wanted to speak about my faith to other denominations in churches around the world, they had misgivings about my health and concerns about whether this mission was truly what God wanted for me.
I listened to them because I knew they wanted me to be successful. You should do the same when your own Dream Team offers opinions about your plans, especially if you want them to remain invested in your success. Honor them and give careful thought to their advice and guidance. You don't have to accept it, but respect that they care enough to tell you even what you may not want to hear.
I respected my parents' concerns, but I felt God was calling me to be an evangelist. My mission then was to be obedient and patient and pray that they'd come to feel the same way. By God's grace, not only my parents but also the church accepted my calling. Its leaders stood behind me and ordained me as the church's fi rst Minister of Evangelism.
There are no promises or guarantees that everyone you meet will want to help you. Some may even try to discourage you. They may have the best intentions and good reason to be worried. None of my parents' fears were irrational, but I prayed that their faith would overcome all those concerns.
Parents and their grown children often must agree to disagree and move on. The same holds true with other members of your Dream Team. You may be proven wrong when you go your own way. You may be proven right. In the end, being right isn't what's important.
I am so thankful that my parents and I can respect each other's opinions and decisions. By God's grace, our relationship withstood a test, and we emerged even closer than before because of our deep love and mutual respect. If we had not talked openly about our feelings, the outcome might not have been such a happy one.
I attended my church regularly as my base and did my best to mentor the young people there. But I also began to branch out, speaking to other churches, reaching out to people in a much wider area. I'm pleased to report that many of the young people have moved forward in their relationships with God, and I thank Him for that.
My mum and dad prayed for me and with me on the day in 2008 when I was officially ordained an evangelist, and that experience brought us to a new level of mutual love and respect. My parents knew that I was committed and dedicated to spreading the word of God. To have them all pray for me in front of the entire church congregation was something I'll never forget. I have to say that my parents are my strongest supporters, and they were right far more than they were wrong about the important decisions in my life.
You should never take relationships for granted, especially those with your closest family members. The rewards last a lifetime.
Take time now to evaluate your people skills, the quality of your relationships, and what you put into them. Are you trustworthy? Do you trust those closest to you? Are you attracting people willing to invest in your success? Are you honoring them? Are you putting into the relationship as much as you are taking out?
Each time I'm laughing and enjoying my family, I realize how much I live for such moments. My hope is to somehow convince them that San Diego beaches are better than Australian beaches so that I can always have them near. Hold your loved ones as close as you can, as long as you can.
The quality of your relationships has a huge impact on the quality of your life, so please treat them as precious. Don't take them for granted. The Bible says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"